Speaking: When I have the most emotion
Ed Lisbe
When I have the Most Emotion
I listen when you have the 'red,' the stronger emotion in a conversation, and I speak when I
have the 'red.' That's it. It's that simple; no matter how
crucial, critical, or casual the interpersonal situation or emotional
context. My two choices to speak would be (1) to initiate a
conversation with my 'red,'or (2) to respond with my 'red'
at an appropriate time within an existing conversation where someone
else has been speaking.
In either case, my choice to speak
comes from my assessment that I have the stronger emotion, more 'red'
than the other person at a given time. That conscious assessment is
the mandatory starting point for controlling my own and the other
person's emotions in order to have a successful conversation. For
any conversation, no matter how potentially difficult, it's
that simple.
Why might I initiate a conversation
with someone? Usually, it is to accomplish a particular result: to
inform, to persuade, to demand, to share, to vent. I also might be
struggling with a choice or decision and I might speak hoping to use
the other person as a sounding board to help me clarify my issues.
The Primary Difficulty With Speaking
. . . is that very few people know how
to listen.
Therefore, instead of getting
understanding for whatever it is I am trying to say or to accomplish,
I will inevitably get a reaction. The other person will invariably
give me one or more of the 14 non-listening reactions instead of
listening to and understanding me. When they react, it makes no
sense to keep speaking. Why talk to someone who is not listening?
When the other person is 'red' about something I've said, in
keeping with the primary "people skills" consciousness, in order
to move forward for the result I want I must temporarily shift within
my "speaking turn" and start listening. After stopping my
speaking to do this listening to the other person's reaction, it
may or may not make sense for me to continue speaking.
Ironically, the biggest skill of the
"speaking turn" is listening.
It will be especially true that I will
have to do a great deal of listening within my overall "speaking
turn" if my content is not easy for the person (or team) to hear
without reacting to it:
- Giving a boss "bad" news about
a project, a customer, an employee, a timeline
- Conducting a performance review
with a poor or under performing employee
- Telling someone about an
unexpected change that will require a work transition
- Assigning someone a difficult task
while others have an easier workload
- Disagreeing with the overall
feelings or choices of others in a meeting
- Confronting someone with the goal
of changing his/her problem behavior
- Asking a boss for resources (time,
money, manpower) that are scarce
To accomplish results in these and
similar conversations, speakers need only two skills.
The 2 Skills of the "Speaking
Turn:"
1. How do I say what I want to say? (How do I "push" someone?)
2. How do I manage the other person's reaction? (How do I handle the "push-back"?)
The content of a "speaking
turn" is relatively straightforward. It will vary depending on the
result wanted. For example, announcing a strategic change of
direction to a team will have a different content than delivering
negative feedback during a performance evaluation. Choosing
appropriate, logical content is not the difficulty for most speakers.
It's the process of the
"speaking turn," not the content, where most communication
trouble occurs. No matter how clearly, concisely, objectively, and
respectfully a speaker says what he/she has to say, there will be
a reaction. Speakers who spend a great deal of time preparing
the content for a conversation usually spend little or no time
preparing to manage the automatic, predictable reaction they will
get.
Very few people on the receiving end of
difficult conversations say simply, "Thank you for sharing. I'd
be glad to help in any way I can. What, exactly, do you need and
I'll get right on it?" Instead, the "push-back" will
automatically take these forms of reactions to even the most
reasonable requests or demands:
- Blaming others
- Blaming you
- Making excuses
- Apologizing
- Mimimizing the importance
- Being sarcastic
- Apologizing
- Yelling/Swearing
- Crying
- Walking out
- Being sarcastic
- "You're picking on me!"
Managing the "Push-Back"
Speakers, especially when we are well
prepared with logical and reasonable content, almost always seem
surprised to get any reaction other than agreement to our "push."
The speaker's tendency is to react to the reaction, often speaking
louder or cutting the other person off. Any reaction we make
to the other person's reaction will invariably lead to argument and
conflict. At the very least, when two people begin to speak at the
same time results will take longer to achieve.
Instead of reacting to the reaction we
get to our speaking, the process to get the quickest results and to
maintain or improve the working relationship involves listening. The
basic 3-step "speaking turn" process, including lots of
listening, looks something like this:
- I speak briefly (about whatever it is I want to say)
- I invite a reaction to what I've just said: (there will be a reaction, even if not expressed)
"What's your reaction to that?"
"How do you feel about what I just said?
"Do you think that could work?"
"Does that make any sense to you?
- I listen to the response to my invitation (keeping the "You ___ " focus and continuing to listen until the other person feels understood, no matter how I feel about what he/she is saying)
"So, you don't agree with me because _______ ."
"You'd feel ok about the idea if the timing was changed."
"You think the whole thing is my fault."
After listening to insure that I
understand the other person's point of view, regardless of my
agreement or disagreement with it, I can speak again because the
other person is now ready to hear more. Again, I invite a response
to what I've just said, and again I listen to the response to my
invitation. This recycling of the same 3-step "speaking turn"
process looks like this, and continues for 3, or 4, or 5 cycles
depending on the level of the other person's ‘red' reaction to
what I've been saying:
Ultimately, my listening over the
cycles tends to reduce the other's reactivity to a point where
he/she can hear the logic of my position. Only then we can begin to
problem solve the issue.
While this identical 3-step process
gets repeated each cycle, the content of my speaking will change.
What I say when it is my turn to speak on each cycle depends upon the
type of defensiveness the other person raises. On the second cycle,
I might emphasize the reason for the request. On the third cycle I
might illustrate the problem with another example. On the fourth, I
might suggest a deadline or offer an exception to the standard.
As speakers, the key consciousness to
keep in mind throughout all the cycles of the "speaking turn" is
that every time I say something, I must remember to invite a reaction
and listen to it.
Go back to beginning of Two Basic People Skills
Go back to Listening
Go to Conscious Conversation
Ed Lisbe
When I have the Most Emotion
I listen when you have the 'red,' the stronger emotion in a conversation, and I speak when I
have the 'red.' That's it. It's that simple; no matter how
crucial, critical, or casual the interpersonal situation or emotional
context. My two choices to speak would be (1) to initiate a
conversation with my 'red,'or (2) to respond with my 'red'
at an appropriate time within an existing conversation where someone
else has been speaking.
In either case, my choice to speak
comes from my assessment that I have the stronger emotion, more 'red'
than the other person at a given time. That conscious assessment is
the mandatory starting point for controlling my own and the other
person's emotions in order to have a successful conversation. For
any conversation, no matter how potentially difficult, it's
that simple.
Why might I initiate a conversation
with someone? Usually, it is to accomplish a particular result: to
inform, to persuade, to demand, to share, to vent. I also might be
struggling with a choice or decision and I might speak hoping to use
the other person as a sounding board to help me clarify my issues.
The Primary Difficulty With Speaking
. . . is that very few people know how
to listen.
Therefore, instead of getting
understanding for whatever it is I am trying to say or to accomplish,
I will inevitably get a reaction. The other person will invariably
give me one or more of the 14 non-listening reactions instead of
listening to and understanding me. When they react, it makes no
sense to keep speaking. Why talk to someone who is not listening?
When the other person is 'red' about something I've said, in
keeping with the primary "people skills" consciousness, in order
to move forward for the result I want I must temporarily shift within
my "speaking turn" and start listening. After stopping my
speaking to do this listening to the other person's reaction, it
may or may not make sense for me to continue speaking.
Ironically, the biggest skill of the
"speaking turn" is listening.
It will be especially true that I will
have to do a great deal of listening within my overall "speaking
turn" if my content is not easy for the person (or team) to hear
without reacting to it:
- Giving a boss "bad" news about
a project, a customer, an employee, a timeline
- Conducting a performance review
with a poor or under performing employee
- Telling someone about an unexpected change that will require a work transition
- Assigning someone a difficult task
while others have an easier workload
- Disagreeing with the overall
feelings or choices of others in a meeting
- Confronting someone with the goal
of changing his/her problem behavior
- Asking a boss for resources (time,
money, manpower) that are scarce
To accomplish results in these and
similar conversations, speakers need only two skills.
The 2 Skills of the "Speaking
Turn:"
1. How do I say what I want to say? (How do I "push" someone?)
2. How do I manage the other person's reaction? (How do I handle the "push-back"?)
The content of a "speaking
turn" is relatively straightforward. It will vary depending on the
result wanted. For example, announcing a strategic change of
direction to a team will have a different content than delivering
negative feedback during a performance evaluation. Choosing
appropriate, logical content is not the difficulty for most speakers.
It's the process of the
"speaking turn," not the content, where most communication
trouble occurs. No matter how clearly, concisely, objectively, and
respectfully a speaker says what he/she has to say, there will be
a reaction. Speakers who spend a great deal of time preparing
the content for a conversation usually spend little or no time
preparing to manage the automatic, predictable reaction they will
get.
Very few people on the receiving end of
difficult conversations say simply, "Thank you for sharing. I'd
be glad to help in any way I can. What, exactly, do you need and
I'll get right on it?" Instead, the "push-back" will
automatically take these forms of reactions to even the most
reasonable requests or demands:
- Blaming others
- Blaming you
- Making excuses
- Apologizing
- Mimimizing the importance
- Being sarcastic
- Apologizing
- Yelling/Swearing
- Crying
- Walking out
- Being sarcastic
- "You're picking on me!"
Managing the "Push-Back"
Speakers, especially when we are well
prepared with logical and reasonable content, almost always seem
surprised to get any reaction other than agreement to our "push."
The speaker's tendency is to react to the reaction, often speaking
louder or cutting the other person off. Any reaction we make
to the other person's reaction will invariably lead to argument and
conflict. At the very least, when two people begin to speak at the
same time results will take longer to achieve.
Instead of reacting to the reaction we
get to our speaking, the process to get the quickest results and to
maintain or improve the working relationship involves listening. The
basic 3-step "speaking turn" process, including lots of
listening, looks something like this:
- I speak briefly (about whatever it is I want to say)
- I invite a reaction to what I've just said: (there will be a reaction, even if not expressed)
"What's your reaction to that?"
"How do you feel about what I just said?
"Do you think that could work?"
"Does that make any sense to you?
- I listen to the response to my invitation (keeping the "You ___ " focus and continuing to listen until the other person feels understood, no matter how I feel about what he/she is saying)
"So, you don't agree with me because _______ ."
"You'd feel ok about the idea if the timing was changed."
"You think the whole thing is my fault."
After listening to insure that I
understand the other person's point of view, regardless of my
agreement or disagreement with it, I can speak again because the
other person is now ready to hear more. Again, I invite a response
to what I've just said, and again I listen to the response to my
invitation. This recycling of the same 3-step "speaking turn"
process looks like this, and continues for 3, or 4, or 5 cycles
depending on the level of the other person's ‘red' reaction to
what I've been saying:
Ultimately, my listening over the
cycles tends to reduce the other's reactivity to a point where
he/she can hear the logic of my position. Only then we can begin to
problem solve the issue.
While this identical 3-step process
gets repeated each cycle, the content of my speaking will change.
What I say when it is my turn to speak on each cycle depends upon the
type of defensiveness the other person raises. On the second cycle,
I might emphasize the reason for the request. On the third cycle I
might illustrate the problem with another example. On the fourth, I
might suggest a deadline or offer an exception to the standard.
As speakers, the key consciousness to
keep in mind throughout all the cycles of the "speaking turn" is
that every time I say something, I must remember to invite a reaction
and listen to it.
Go back to beginning of Two Basic People Skills
Go back to Listening
Go to Conscious Conversation
