"My Body - Your Body" Overview
Ed Lisbe
"My Body - Your Body" (MBYB) is a consistent standard of fairness for resolving conflicts between people regardless of age, gender, race, relationship, religion, culture, political affiliation, or economic status. The model was developed as an answer to the question, "What is the most basic starting point possible for peaceful coexistence on a planet where people continually clash over different needs, wants, desires and values?" It seemed most unarguable that one's individual rights and freedom should be limited only when they affect others; that, at the very least, each person's physical body should be safe from harm:
- My body is over here.
- Your body is over there.
- I have no right to do anything to your body that you don't want.
- You have no right to do anything to my body that I don't want.
The body as defined here, extends beyond the person's physical 'body' to include his/her clothing, possessions, work or play area, living space, choices, etc. A fair standard of the use of force over others for bodily protection is especially useful for problem solving in relationships of unequal power such as parent: child and teacher: student. This essay illustrates MBYB applied to those situations. The model applies to any relationship such as husband: wife, boss: employee, etc.
At the crucial moment of disagreement between a young person and an adult, MBYB can be used to stop arguments before they start over such issues as: bedtime, television watching, room cleaning, eating (when, where, what, how much), homework, household chores, sibling fights, put-down language, clothing choices, etc.
The Standard
The MBYB standard for non-power based conflict resolution is the protection of a person's physical body, with the 'body' extended as described above. Using this standard, the starting point before taking action in times of disagreement is to ask and answer one question:
"Whose 'body' is affected by the (child's) behavior?"
There are only two possible answers to the question and one fair response choice for each answer. Either the child's own 'body' is going to be affected by his/her behavior or someone else's 'body' is going to be affected. The answer to a second question, whether or not the child wants to change, will either be "Yes" or "No."
ENFORCE box: Someone else's 'body' is affected, and the child does not want to change.
e.g. On the school playground, a boy likes to run around bumping into and often "accidentally" knocking down other children.
The appropriate action by an adult or another young person is to stop the behavior. It is not fair to the victim to allow the behavior of the perpetrator to continue. The boy does not get to play in the playground until he agrees to keep his 'body' away from those who don't want to get knocked down, and then demonstrates his ability and willingness to do that.
Young people, as well as adults, may need coaching to learn how to be responsible with other peoples' 'bodies.' The Social Contract is a very effective, well-defined tool for teaching and enforcing socially responsible behavior when a person really does not want to change what he/she is doing.
MOTIVATE box: Child's own 'body' is affected and he/she does not want to change.
e.g. The temperature is 10 degrees, and a young girl is about to go sledding with her friends without a hat.
Suggest putting on a hat. Suggest, in the case of a messy room, the benefits of a cleaner living space.
Suggestion, rather than demand, is the transformational difference with the MBYB model of dispute resolution.
In both examples here, it is the child's 'body.' In a just world, each of us gets to decide on questions of our own 'body.' With the hat example, MBYB recommends a reasoned conversation. This girl needs to hear that without the hat she will most likely be too cold to sled for more than a few minutes before needing to stop to get warm. If the parent: child relationship is not otherwise dysfunctional, the parent's reasoning should make sense to the girl in this situation. If the child ends up disagreeing and chooses to go outside without the hat, she will be faced with the natural consequences of her choice and will learn from that for the future.
SELF-DISCIPLINE box: Child's own 'body' is affected, and he/she wants to change.
e.g. A boy wants to learn how to play the drums and be in a band. His dilemma is that on most sunny days he would much rather play ball outside with his friends than practice.
Discipline is not obedience, something imposed by another from the outside. Discipline is the internal restraint required to achieve one's own goals instead of choosing behavior that might feel good or be easier in the moment. It is giving up short-term pleasure for long-term results. In this example, the boy already has all the motivation he needs. To get what he wants long-term (learning the drums) he only has to do what he doesn't want to do short-term (practice the drums).
Young people can easily learn the internal skill of self-discipline by being in conversation with disciplined people who share their experiences making unpleasant short-term behavior choices in order to achieve personal life goals.
INTERPERSONAL SKILLS box: Other's 'body' is affected, and child wants to change.
e.g. A girl gets into many fights and is tired of losing her freedom and not having any friends. She decides that she wants help to find less aggressive ways to handle her reactivity when someone calls her a name.
Instead of automatically hitting someone who bothers her, this girl needs help learning "people skills" such conflict management, listening, self-talk to defuse the strong emotions in herself and others, negotiation, problem solving, etc. These skills take care of this girl's developmental needs, and can be taught as long as she no longer likes what she is doing and wants to change. While she is learning, enforcement will probably be required for in-the-moment needs to restrain her when she becomes aggressive.
Adult arbitrariness does not help children
The clarity of the 'body' standard takes the arbitrariness out of nice sounding, in-the-moment solutions to problems that adults come up with that make no sense at all to young people. For example, a parent said to a four-year-old boy whose eighteen-month-old sister knocked down the tower of blocks he spent an entire afternoon building: "You don't have to be angry at her. She doesn't understand. It's not that important, you can always build another tower. Be a big boy."
What sense can this young boy make of such a world where his 'body' does not deserve protection? In this example, using the ENFORCE box appropriately, MBYB would restrict his sister's access to his 'body.' How else are young people like this boy to learn anything about self-respect and appropriate freedom and license in a world of interacting human persons? Perhaps a gate or other barrier could be put up to block her access to his 'body.' She won't like that. She also might not understand it because all she wants to do is be around her older brother. Soothing her confusion and hurt feelings has to be the second step. First, his 'body' is entitled to protection.
MBYB and Young kids
As a basic standard for social justice and human rights, the MBYB distinction of 'body' is simple enough for very young children to understand. It also gives them a language with which to communicate about social justice issues in times of conflict. A two-plus- year-old boy yelled at his three-year old cousin who took his crayon, "Give it back. That's my body!"
MBYB and Older children and youth
The MBYB distinction about the appropriate use of force between people is fair enough for older youths to understand and to accept as valid. An eighteen-year-old girl locked up in a juvenile detention facility for her violent behavior toward others said, triumphantly, about her choice not to flatten a boy who "dissed" her mother:
"Well, I didn't hit him! That f___ a____ really pissed me off, but he didn't touch me and that's my body so I left his body alone. He's such a ##@!@!##!# and he better not say anything like that again."
For much more on "My Body - Your Body" for children see essays Whose Body Is It? and Don't You Sometimes Have to Force Children?
Ed Lisbe
"My Body - Your Body" (MBYB) is a consistent standard of fairness for resolving conflicts between people regardless of age, gender, race, relationship, religion, culture, political affiliation, or economic status. The model was developed as an answer to the question, "What is the most basic starting point possible for peaceful coexistence on a planet where people continually clash over different needs, wants, desires and values?" It seemed most unarguable that one's individual rights and freedom should be limited only when they affect others; that, at the very least, each person's physical body should be safe from harm:
- My body is over here.
- Your body is over there.
- I have no right to do anything to your body that you don't want.
- You have no right to do anything to my body that I don't want.
The body as defined here, extends beyond the person's physical 'body' to include his/her clothing, possessions, work or play area, living space, choices, etc. A fair standard of the use of force over others for bodily protection is especially useful for problem solving in relationships of unequal power such as parent: child and teacher: student. This essay illustrates MBYB applied to those situations. The model applies to any relationship such as husband: wife, boss: employee, etc.
At the crucial moment of disagreement between a young person and an adult, MBYB can be used to stop arguments before they start over such issues as: bedtime, television watching, room cleaning, eating (when, where, what, how much), homework, household chores, sibling fights, put-down language, clothing choices, etc.
The Standard
The MBYB standard for non-power based conflict resolution is the protection of a person's physical body, with the 'body' extended as described above. Using this standard, the starting point before taking action in times of disagreement is to ask and answer one question:
"Whose 'body' is affected by the (child's) behavior?"
There are only two possible answers to the question and one fair response choice for each answer. Either the child's own 'body' is going to be affected by his/her behavior or someone else's 'body' is going to be affected. The answer to a second question, whether or not the child wants to change, will either be "Yes" or "No."
ENFORCE box: Someone else's 'body' is affected, and the child does not want to change.
e.g. On the school playground, a boy likes to run around bumping into and often "accidentally" knocking down other children.
The appropriate action by an adult or another young person is to stop the behavior. It is not fair to the victim to allow the behavior of the perpetrator to continue. The boy does not get to play in the playground until he agrees to keep his 'body' away from those who don't want to get knocked down, and then demonstrates his ability and willingness to do that.
Young people, as well as adults, may need coaching to learn how to be responsible with other peoples' 'bodies.' The Social Contract is a very effective, well-defined tool for teaching and enforcing socially responsible behavior when a person really does not want to change what he/she is doing.
MOTIVATE box: Child's own 'body' is affected and he/she does not want to change.
e.g. The temperature is 10 degrees, and a young girl is about to go sledding with her friends without a hat.
Suggest putting on a hat. Suggest, in the case of a messy room, the benefits of a cleaner living space.
Suggestion, rather than demand, is the transformational difference with the MBYB model of dispute resolution.
In both examples here, it is the child's 'body.' In a just world, each of us gets to decide on questions of our own 'body.' With the hat example, MBYB recommends a reasoned conversation. This girl needs to hear that without the hat she will most likely be too cold to sled for more than a few minutes before needing to stop to get warm. If the parent: child relationship is not otherwise dysfunctional, the parent's reasoning should make sense to the girl in this situation. If the child ends up disagreeing and chooses to go outside without the hat, she will be faced with the natural consequences of her choice and will learn from that for the future.
SELF-DISCIPLINE box: Child's own 'body' is affected, and he/she wants to change.
e.g. A boy wants to learn how to play the drums and be in a band. His dilemma is that on most sunny days he would much rather play ball outside with his friends than practice.
Discipline is not obedience, something imposed by another from the outside. Discipline is the internal restraint required to achieve one's own goals instead of choosing behavior that might feel good or be easier in the moment. It is giving up short-term pleasure for long-term results. In this example, the boy already has all the motivation he needs. To get what he wants long-term (learning the drums) he only has to do what he doesn't want to do short-term (practice the drums).
Young people can easily learn the internal skill of self-discipline by being in conversation with disciplined people who share their experiences making unpleasant short-term behavior choices in order to achieve personal life goals.
INTERPERSONAL SKILLS box: Other's 'body' is affected, and child wants to change.
e.g. A girl gets into many fights and is tired of losing her freedom and not having any friends. She decides that she wants help to find less aggressive ways to handle her reactivity when someone calls her a name.
Instead of automatically hitting someone who bothers her, this girl needs help learning "people skills" such conflict management, listening, self-talk to defuse the strong emotions in herself and others, negotiation, problem solving, etc. These skills take care of this girl's developmental needs, and can be taught as long as she no longer likes what she is doing and wants to change. While she is learning, enforcement will probably be required for in-the-moment needs to restrain her when she becomes aggressive.
Adult arbitrariness does not help children
The clarity of the 'body' standard takes the arbitrariness out of nice sounding, in-the-moment solutions to problems that adults come up with that make no sense at all to young people. For example, a parent said to a four-year-old boy whose eighteen-month-old sister knocked down the tower of blocks he spent an entire afternoon building: "You don't have to be angry at her. She doesn't understand. It's not that important, you can always build another tower. Be a big boy."
What sense can this young boy make of such a world where his 'body' does not deserve protection? In this example, using the ENFORCE box appropriately, MBYB would restrict his sister's access to his 'body.' How else are young people like this boy to learn anything about self-respect and appropriate freedom and license in a world of interacting human persons? Perhaps a gate or other barrier could be put up to block her access to his 'body.' She won't like that. She also might not understand it because all she wants to do is be around her older brother. Soothing her confusion and hurt feelings has to be the second step. First, his 'body' is entitled to protection.
MBYB and Young kids
As a basic standard for social justice and human rights, the MBYB distinction of 'body' is simple enough for very young children to understand. It also gives them a language with which to communicate about social justice issues in times of conflict. A two-plus- year-old boy yelled at his three-year old cousin who took his crayon, "Give it back. That's my body!"
MBYB and Older children and youth
The MBYB distinction about the appropriate use of force between people is fair enough for older youths to understand and to accept as valid. An eighteen-year-old girl locked up in a juvenile detention facility for her violent behavior toward others said, triumphantly, about her choice not to flatten a boy who "dissed" her mother:
"Well, I didn't hit him! That f___ a____ really pissed me off, but he didn't touch me and that's my body so I left his body alone. He's such a ##@!@!##!# and he better not say anything like that again."
For much more on "My Body - Your Body" for children see essays Whose Body Is It? and Don't You Sometimes Have to Force Children?
